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Family Strengths: Caring and Appreciation
by Stephen F. Duncan & Kristi McLane
Husbands and wives- fathers and mothers- have solemn obligations to love and care for each other and their children, and to teach their children to love and care for each other. Loving and caring in families thus involves much more than the feeling of love. It involves loving actions even at times when we don't feel especially loving.
Recent national studies affirm the importance of love and caring in families. Research shows that expressions of affection toward children reduce problem behaviors and enhance children's development. Love is the single most important principle of parenting. If children do not feel cherished and loved, little else that parents do will have its maximum influence. Expressions of kindness increase family life satisfaction. Husbands' expression of appreciation for their wives are, by far, the strongest predictor of the wives' sense of fairness and satisfaction with how housework and childcare are divided in the home.
Strong families notice and share positive aspects of each other. For example, they pay attention to another person's polite behavior or something nice he or she did or said. They notice the talents, skills and achievements, special qualities, and characteristics that make the other person unique. They find ways to be positive even when another family member makes a mistake. They make a conscious effort to develop closeness and show love at home.
It is important that family members learn to speak each other's "love language." Sometimes when we think we are being loving to another family member, he or she may not perceive it that way at all.
Consider these examples:
- Julie came home from work one day, exhausted as usual. She was greeted enthusiastically by her five-year-old son, James. She knelt down on one knee, pulled her son into a close embrace, and said, "James, I love you!" Then Julie stood up and started into her room, but James surprised her when he said, "Mommy, I don't want you to love me, I want you to play catch with me!"
- George got up early one Saturday morning, cleaned the garage, cut the lawn, and planted shrubs-all to please his wife. Then he showered and was about to leave the house when his wife said, "George, the least you could do is kiss me good-bye!"
Here are some ideas for strengthening caring and appreciation in your family:
"Caring Days."
For a family night activity on love, have each person make a list of actions that make them feel loved. Share the lists and then post them where everyone can see them. Then begin having Caring Days where items from the list are selected and enacted. Perhaps your preschooler told you that "building sand castles in the sandbox with me" makes her feel loved. Before she asks, take her out to build sand castles.
Love Notes.
Write a short love note to encourage someone or express appreciation. Put the note under the person's pillow or in a backpack, briefcase, or purse. Write something like "James, I'm proud of you for working so hard on your spelling words! Love, Dad."
Remember the Power of Touch.
Touch can be a powerful way of showing affection, love, and appreciation. Small children often like to snuggle with their parents. A quick pat, a hug, a kiss, a handclasp, or an arm around the shoulder can say a lot to people of all ages.
Kindling Kindness. Good manners and everyday courtesy to a child or a spouse lets the person know that he or she matters. Treat family members as good friends. Ask children and other family members to do things rather than demand that they do them. Compliment good behavior. Thank family members for their efforts. Ask for opinions. Listen to comments. Avoid saying anything that is unkind or sarcastic.
"Mental Gymnastics."
Use "mental gymnastics" to redefine perceptions of others. Many negative traits are really positive traits carried to the extreme. For example, a person who is stingy with money is only a thrifty person in the extreme. Granted, such a person may need to change. But the point of this exercise is to find the core goodness in others. Select two or three traits of a spouse, child, or other family member that annoy you and see if they can be redefined. Here are some starters:
- Talks too much vs. Likes to share with others
- Bossy vs. Leader
- Messy vs. Curious
- Nitpicking vs. Attentive to detail
- Meddlesome vs. Concerned
Make A Note of It.
Invest in a nice address and reminder book. Record birthdays, anniversaries, and other important dates. Plan ahead to mail cards or schedule special dinners.
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